30th days in Singapore

Day 30 in Singapore.

The environment is no longer scares me nor strange me out. Waking up at 5 o'clock in the morning where the sun hasn't rise. Seeing the dim dawn where people start to stand by the bus station and waiting for a ride to work. This routine repeated for 30 days. The only difference is the time that I woke up which gets latter and latter.

This is truly a challenge for me. Being alone in Singapore sounds great and adventurous as other think. And it is, as great as you think. It's just a thought of you. You will never know how it taste, how it feels if you are not the one who experienced it. It sounds easy when it is just an empty thought.

On the very first day that I am here, everyone is like a monster to me. Everything is strange despite the culture is almost the same as in Malaysia. As long as there is a person starring at you, you will started to feel the fear, "Why is him looking at me?", "Am I doing anything wrong?", "Did I forget something?" These questions always bother me throughout the first month when I am here. It sounds funny for a 23 years old lady to think in this way. Yea, I know I am old enough to take this up but it might be hard if your loved one never give you enough courage and support.

It's okay. I am fine with it as time goes by. I get to know more friends during my attachment in Jurong Shipyard. Feels good to have such friends around me who are full of joy. At least it can take away the griefs that I feel every night after that one hour conversation with him. 

Agony don't come in singular form.

I have been feeling upset in my relationship, worrying the financial issue, hiding the truth from my mum etc.

The relationship doesn't make me nourished.

The financial issue can only solved if I skip my meals and with the extreme living style.

I would never let my mum know that I am living in poorness.

Walking around in Singapore can temporary leave those constraints away.

Listening to the acoustic music,

walking in the crowd of people,

seeing the people who is walking solely as I do,

then I realized I am not the only one who undergoing these toughness.

If other can do it, why not me?

Blackout

Dear blogger,

Today was a day full of delight.
Turning myself into a partnerless person, enjoying the single life.
It was crazy that I spent money on my foot- pedicure.
But it was nice and I enjoy the service,even it is quite expensive, but I give myself a chance to think,
"Let's take a short break, sometimes its good to break the rules."
I can't be the obedient girl all the time.
To be obedient, I oppose my own will all the time.
I follow other's thinking, do as what they wish.
There is only one reason why I am doing these,
I don't want to be abandoned.
I scare to be left behind.

I live my life as usual today.
I still miss him,
feeling wanna give him a message,
feeling wanna talk to him,
all the feel I have now, is just miss.
At the same time, I am afraid.
I don't want to disturb him since he is so busy.
I don't want to be ignored again and again like a clown.
I don want to be hurt and in the end my heart broke like a glass.

By the way, how are you today?
Everything goes well?
Something to tell,
I miss you so much.

A little drop of happiness

Dear blogger,

Today was my bad day.
The software I installed cannot work properly,
it was installed improperly, with error.
When this happen, usually, I will get him to help me solve it,
since, he is a programmer, a computer software technician.

But this time, he didn't.
He was busy. I told him my problem, but he thought it is just a small case,
and he end up with an ignorance.
I was totally mess up in that instant.
The software is very important to me, I have to use it as my tool to finish the drawing.
That's why I requested for his help.
He didn't reply me after this message:
"Uninstall the program in the control panel, then local the files in C drive", that's it.
The problem isn't that easy to be solved, man.
I have done the method before you taught me.
I needed you.
But , again, you end up with your busyness.
You ignore me.

I tried in another approach- search for another programmer.
He might be a freak, but a least he helped, and he manages to get my problem solved.
When I send this guy a message, asking for help, he phoned me back.
This guy is just my normal friend, but he cares me much more than you.
I am not trying to compare but it is too obvious that
you bring me down, again and again, showing no care.
I am upset.
Then what?
I told myself to be understanding, patient and think positively.
I am doing it all the time.
But it always end up with disappointment.
I really wonder how important am I in your heart.
Or you just place me in the bottom tip part, some kind like the flat keel of the ship?
I feel exhausted all the time but I don't want to give up so easily like that.
The hardship of our relationship is not as simple as other people can make it.
We are two different character of people yet we can make it until now.
It has been a hard time for us.

I just need more security and care from you.
I feel like nothing, feel alone all the time.
You ask me to face the reality, do not hide from the true world,
so how do you do?
How can I get back to the track?
How can I survive from this?
You think that I am an independent person.
Yes, I do, but only for camouflage.
I have to protect myself before people hurt me.
But now I have you, why I can't be a lesser independent-person?
So that I can count on you.
Rely on you.

There are so many questions embedded in my mind.
I never found the answer.
You never give me the answer.
You never try to solve the question like how you did in your study.
I am nothing but less important that your programming, your friends, your own thing.
I am always the last one you care.
So, how?
What should I do?
Such a foolish question.
You wouldn't tell me what and how to do.
You will just ask me to face the reality, face the true world.
And one more thing,
You goodnight wish is lack of kindness.
Its empty.
I hate it.
Goodnight!

Day three

Dear blogger,

It has been three days I quit from the social network - Facebook.
The initial reason it deactivate it was mad on him.
So, I was thinking to make him feel about my absent, some kind like showing my importance.
In the end, it wouldn't work. I figured it out.
He sent me a goodnight as usual before he sleeps without missing any day.
It sounds good, and I am very happy with it.
But due to my greedy, I want it more.
I want more care from him, more attention, more thing from him.

I have been think it round and round, again and again.
Why?
If he loves me, a goodnight is more than enough.
He is a person who never express the true feeling in front of his love one.
If he could spend 1 minute to send me a goodnight, isn't it I am quite important for him?
Else, he wouldn't waste his time on this message.

I have to be obedient and caring.
I should get my own life moves on, so does him.
He's busy with assignment, therefore, he needs more freedom and spaces, but not bother, or trouble.

I end up here today.
Good day, my man ^_^

I miss you.

Preface

Dear blogger,

I declare that this is the beginning of new born of me, Cyra.
I have made a decision to get myself out of the relationship.
I do not want to immerse myself in a pond full of tasteless water.

I have to start a new life from now,
forgetting him and restructure my mind,
to get myself to the right path,
and not to do silly act.

I have to stop crying all the time,
and cut off all my sentimental feeling towards anything unnecessary thing.
Be rational and wise but not to live alone.
I will have my family, my friends and u, the blogger.
Since nobody want to listen to me,
so, you are the one.
I will told you everything I would like to tell.

From now on, I am Cyra.

An true independent and strong girl facing the real world.